To Find My Way, I Needed to Escape My Family's Shadow
A conversation with Sayoko Nobuta, clinical psychologist and specialist in child-parent relations
At some point in every person's life, there comes a time for big choices. For some lucky travelers, the stars align and light their way, allowing them choose a path with ease. For others, dark shadows blur the way, making their choices difficult, stressful, or even paralyzing. There are many such shadows, but perhaps none more intimidating than that cast by family.
Should we trust our family's wisdom and follow the path they selected for us, or should we choose our own? We don't want to grow up regretting our life choices, but is it worth risking the unique and valuable bond we have with our kin?
Not long ago, M. found herself caught in this shadow. She was a university student interning at a tech company in Tokyo, and had to look for a job after graduation. Born and raised in the Japanese countryside, M. was allowed by her mother to attend a reputable university in Tokyo, on the condition she would afterward come home and find a comfortable countryside job in the public sector. But M. wanted to stay in Tokyo. She relied on her family's support both financially and psychologically, which exposed her to a tremendous amount of pressure.
To gain some clarity on how to move forward, M. talked to clinical psychologist and specialist in child-parent relations Sayoko Nobuta. She asked the healthcare professional how to escape her parents' shadow and choose a path she wouldn't regret.
When I look to the future, I see my mother's face
Sayoko Nobuta was born in 1946 in Gifu Prefecture, Japan. She graduated from Ochanomizu Women's University with a bachelor's degree in Philosophy from the Faculty of Arts and Culture, and a master's in Child Studies from the Graduate School of Home Economics. She is a clinical psychologist at Komagino Hospital, and has been working for the Harajuku Counseling Center since its foundation in 1995.
There's nothing I can do. When I try to look toward the future, I see my mother's face.
Even when I got admitted into university, my family wanted me to find a school I could commute to from home, rather than let me enroll at a good university in Tokyo.
It sounds like your mom grew up in a tight-knit community, surrounded by her kin. Thanks to that she was able to live a safe life, sheltered from any turbulence. That life probably brought her happiness, which is why she wants the same for her daughter.
Forging your own reality
For example, you found a job opportunity that would only be possible in Tokyo, or a recruiter is passionate about scouting you.
It's always possible one way or another to argue against internal factors. That's why you have to got out of your way to forge a reality that your parents can't just dismiss through sheer willpower.
Also, your parents may feel hurt that you chose a path other than the one they wanted for you. However, it would be hard for them to cut you off entirely. To me, that sounds like nothing more than a threat.
I believe a lot of parents get to a point where they realize that whatever they say, they won't be able to change who their child is.
It's not like you're fleeing into outer space
I can't shake this feeling that if I choose to work in Tokyo, I'll end up being treated the same way.
If we get into a mindset where our family decides the boundaries of the world we can live in, escaping that world can feel like fleeing into outer space. Trust me, it's not that hard.
Another thing I recommend is reading more literature. Through literature, you become exposed to new values, new ways of understanding human relations. That understanding will lead you to question to values that you hold as self-evident. An example would be to make a resolution to read the book that won the Akutagawa Prize, every single year.
You don't always have to be the same you
However, the modern world isn't as generous to the young. It has become harder for children to do better than their parents. Because of that, it can be difficult for a child to escape the pressure of an overbearing parent.
In today's environment, rather than choosing the safe option, it's become more important to choose something that you want to do; that can bring you satisfaction.
Parents in general dislike being contradicted by their children, so you can put on a façade of listening to your mother's opinion and doing as she says, while at the same time valuing your own will and deciding in accordance with your own desires. That's an example of a secret you can have.
You won't be able to win by flat out resisting your parents, so there's no need to use all your energy confronting them head-on.
You can pretend you're confronting them full force, but still save about 20% of your strength.
As writer Keiichiro Hirano once put it, every single person has inside of them many selves. There is the self that you are with your family, at work, with your friends, by yourself, and so on. Each of these selves can be different, and that's not a bad thing.
I think the best way for you to move forward is, step by step, to use these techniques to skillfully put some distance between you and your mother.
Original article written by Ruriko Toku. Photographs by Tsukasa Ogi. Edited by M. and Yuka Akashi. Translated into English by Alex Steullet. English editing by Mina Samejima. Original article available at the link below.
親の意見が気になって、自分らしい就活ができない──悩める就活生が、臨床心理士の信田さんに相談してみたWriter
Rurika Toku
Rurika Toku was born in Japan's Aichi prefecture in 1987. She graduated from Keio University's Faculty of Law with a degree in political science. After graduating, she worked for a publishing firm, as well as for various companies in public relations and store management. Currently, Rurika works a freelance writer and editor in Japan.
Photographer
Tsukasa Ogi
Tsukasa Ogi is a freelance photographer specialized in human photography. He works primarily for online media, magazines and corporate media.
Editor
Yuka Akashi
Yuka directs content creation and does editing for Kintopia’s Japanese twin website CybozuShiki. In January 2018, she began a side job working as a freelance writer and editor. Starting in 2019, she has also been editing books for Cybozu.
