Why Do We Compare Our Suffering and How Can We Stop?

Social comparison is a continuous topic of study for social psychologists. Like anger and sadness, comparing ourselves to others serves a number of functions.

There are basically three major theorized functions: to better understand the self, to survive in a social setting, and to protect our self-esteem.

First, regardless of who you are, we all have a desire to better understand ourselves. Comparing ourselves to others helps us do so. It allows us to find out what our special skills and traits are. We can look around and think to ourselves, "Compared to other people, I'm pretty good at this specific task."

Second, other people serve as a pattern on which to model our own behavior, which is how we develop social norms. For example, when I get on the train, by observing the people around me I know the rule is that I shouldn't shove my way in.

The final function of preserving our self-esteem is to protect ourselves from getting hurt, especially in difficult times. Have you ever been in a difficult situation, then looked at someone having a harder time than you and felt relieved after thinking, "Well if they have it worse, then I must be doing alright"? In psychology, we call this downward social comparison. Comparing ourselves to people who are unhappy or aren't doing very well helps us feel a sense of relief.

The opposite also exists. Upward social comparison is preserving your self-esteem by looking at someone who has it better than you and thinking, "I'm going to work hard to become more like them!"

Exactly. Comparing yourself to others serves many different functions and is not always negative.

You're comparing your level of suffering to that of those around you, and instead of using the comparison as a sign you need to rest or as a motivator to keep working, you feel like you've been driven into a corner, right? If we reframe the feeling as, "I need to keep on going to be able to pull my own weight within the group," then I'd say it fits within the second function.

In the conversation we had leading up to this interview, I remember you mentioning you felt pressure to keep on grinding because you compared your situation to that of those around you. I remember thinking, "Wow, she's very serious about her work!" Is this something you struggle a lot with at the moment?

That's right. The idea is if you feel like you're having a hard time, then you'll be OK with saying you're having a hard time without needing to resort to social comparison. However, as you said, there are times when we struggle to understand how bad a situation is, and we may not realize in real time the damage being done to us.

Maui, if you think back to when you were having a hard time at work, what was the context?

From what you've mentioned, it sounds like you're doing a good job at least at monitoring your own situation. You've realized your personal struggle can't simply be measured by how busy you are at work. The ability to carefully observe what's going on inside you and deepen your understanding of yourself is very important.

In Maui's case specifically, it's important to pay attention to the difference between a busy time you find fulfilling and one where you struggle. Then you can develop your own scale to help tell the difference.

Exactly. However, keep in mind you can't base your scale on someone else's. You have to develop your own original scale tailored to your personal situation. When Maui talked earlier about a decrease in her sleep quality--that's an example of her measuring her feelings along her own personal scale.

Unfortunately, during times of hardship, our judgment can easily become skewed, which is why it's important to have an objective form of measurement. For example, if you decide to set a marker at 'not being able to sleep for four or more nights in a given week,' you can later look back and objectively see you're currently having a pretty rough time.

For some people, going through a rough period will manifest as spending more time scrolling through social media. The way emotional baggage manifests differs from person to person, so it's important to stay vigilant every time you look back at your recent behavior.

In my case, whenever I'm struggling, I find myself on YouTube binge-watching mukbang videos. As soon as I notice I'm spending a lot of time staring at people as they eat way too much food, I know it's time to take a break and rest.

That does happen, and it's a difficult problem. We have a tendency to blame ourselves when we don't feel like we're making progress. There's a devil on our shoulder whispering to us that it's our own fault, we're not working hard enough, or those around us are working harder.

It isn't our fault we think this way. It's how school and society as a whole teaches us to think. We unconsciously become overly strict with ourselves. I think the only way forward is to change the way we relate with ourselves.

In trying to change the way I relate with myself, one important way of thinking I'm focusing on at the moment is self-compassion. The idea is to work toward treating yourself with kindness.

For example, if you see one of your colleagues struggling with their work, would your first thought be, "This person isn't putting in enough effort?"

Precisely. We're naturally more capable of showing compassion toward others. Why not ourselves? The truth is, we've gotten used to being excessively judgmental of what we think and do.

Actually, if we want to find the strength to deal with the problems we face in life, being harsh on ourselves is not the best strategy. We would be much better off showing self-compassion and allowing ourselves to admit when we're struggling.

That does happen. When you've reached the point where you no longer feel the strength to confront the issues you're facing, I would say it's time to seek the help of a professional counselor or psychotherapist.

In times when you're feeling overwhelmed by your struggles, when you can't deal with them alone, it's actually important to have someone to tell you it's OK not to confront them right away. You need someone who can unconditionally acknowledge what you're going through; to give you the feeling that someone is really trying to understand your situation. That way when you do end up facing your problems, you'll have enough resources to do so.

I hope more people realize that seeking professional help is definitely an option. Nobody should have to deal with their struggles all by themselves.

There is a greater propensity for unnecessary social comparison in environments that are highly homogeneous, with low levels of diversity. When you're in a work environment where homogeneity is glorified, the default assumption is, "I have to work just as hard as everybody else."

On the other hand, if you have a work environment where every individual's position has clearly defined objectives, as well as mutual trust among colleagues and more broadly within the organization, then social comparison shouldn't go beyond what is necessary.

You need the whole organization, as well as each team, to aim toward building an environment of systemic fairness. For instance, are decisions being made in a fair manner?

There are six measures that need to put in place within any organization if you hope to build a work environment with systemic fairness:

Organizations need to consider whether their policies and project missions have been set in line with these six points. Then ask if these processes have been sufficiently shared with and explained to all employees. By scrupulously examining whether these six measures are being observed, I think organizations can increase systemic fairness.

Precisely because of the current remote work environment, organizations need to be proactive in creating opportunities for colleagues to get together and have a dialogue.

Without the opportunity to gauge the reactions of those around us and exchange opinions, we become increasingly anxious and suspicious. For example, if you receive a message from the CEO and you start wondering, "How was this decision reached?" or "What does my boss think of this?" you're going to feel uneasy.

Precisely. Which is why it's all the more important for organizations to ensure that their procedures and explanations are fair.

Also, if you want people to be able to be themselves at work, you need to provide them with three important human needs: the ability to act with autonomy; the ability to experience personal growth and build competence; and the ability to build good relationships with the people around them.

If you create a work environment where all three of these needs are met, people are less likely to develop negative feelings.

We humans are social creatures, greatly influenced by our environment. When creating an organization, I encourage leaders to consider whether the environment they envisage satisfies the three basic human needs of autonomy, competence and relationships.